{our love to pay the bills}

a fork in the road

2012-02-01T14:30:00.001-08:00

:) :) get it?

so after last year's "fork in the road"--from velveeta to organic whole milk, from "i can't believe it's not butter" to red butter lettuce, from typical american southern girl to weird, organic, health nut...yours truly is still surviving!

i wish i could say that we have completely changed our eating habits and will never go back. that i feel as young as the day i was born. that we never get sick anymore and that our eyes are brighter. that E.G. no longer spits up or throws tantrums. but i would be lying.

but here is what has changed about our lives.

1) we quit couponing.

wow. i never thought i would. this from the girl who competitively couponed. who prided herself in a 90% savings rate. who shopped the inner aisles of publix with an eagle's eye and the stealth of a mongoose. a girl who really knew how to pick an indiscriminating cashier, knew the policies of nearly every grocery store, and whose tiny, vulnerable, newborn daughter visited walgreens, cvs, and publix (several times) within her first few weeks of life.

granted, i still clip the occassional diaper coupon. i still spring for free shampoo deals and watch the publix ad for BOGO's on glad bags. but, for the most part, i avoid the inner aisles of mainstream supermarkets. most of the food within these aisles is processed and contains either ingredients i can't pronounce or is high in processed grains and sugars. so for us, for now, in general, those foods didn't make the cut.

2) we read labels.

i'm not talking about the nutrition facts section, the part that lists the calories and fat. now i look at the list of ingredients and am still shocked by what i see. can you believe i never did this before? until i was forced to eliminate dairy and soy from my diet, i had scarcely ever taken a glance at the ingredients list on a box of crackers. but when i found myself forced to check, i was shocked at what i saw. probably most of you already knew that publix donuts have thirty ingredients. what?! and they are from the bakery! why not flour, yeast, sugar, milk, cream, and eggs??? WHY? i've been programmed to ignore the ingredients section on labels. but now, for the first time, i'm starting to understand that a major part of my diet is...chemicals. not even food. it's disturbing enough to even make this ruffles potato chip and ranch dip loving cowgirl shake in her boots. and it's enough to make me move on to making more stuff at home from more whole ingredients.

3) we buy local and organic.

and to think that i always rolled my eyes others who did.

now we frequent local farmers-market-type places. we are mapping out plans for our soon-to-come backyard veggie garden. and, best of all, we participate in a local, organic crop share where we rake in 15-20 varieties of fruits and veggies each week that we sign up. it's like christmas morning in a brown, paper box. i still feel giddy on wednesday mornings when i hear the garage door open, announcing Kyle coming home from the chiropractor with the parcel of treasures.

and they are treasures. fresh, local fruits and vegetables taste ENTIRELY different than most of their supermarket counterparts. i'm obsessed.

4) we are focusing more on changing what we DO rather than changing what we DON'T.

for example, although it's true that it take 32 GLASSES of water to eliminate the toxins in a single can of coke (and diet coke is even worse), when i start to focus on avoiding coke, guess what happens? all i want is coke. and it's so discouraging.

so, instead, we put tasty mint leaves from last week's CSA share in our water. we keep a cup of ice-cold water within arm's reach when we are around the house and carry water bottles when we are out. we milk our ice and water dispenser on our fridge for all it's worth.

i find that when i meal plan around our CSA, i end up often serving two or three veggies for dinner every night. combine this with a meat next to a whole grain or root vegetable, and we're really full enough to not feel so deprived of our enriched, processed dinner roll smeared with congealed margarine.

5) we are still spending the same amount on groceries as we were before.

and i can't believe it. we found that when i stopped "stockpiling" scary canned goods and processed foods, we had the budget to afford that $10 glass bottle of coconut oil for cooking and the container of stevia. buying whole ingredients is just more simple. i don't need 500 varieties of crackers in my cabinet when i have 20 varieties of produce in the fridge.

so, for now, this is where we are at. i'm not as emotional now when i think about the absence of breyer's icecream in our freezer. if anything, i'm excited about the changes and feel hopeful.

as a disclaimer, i know this style of eating isn't for everyone. it's exactly that--a style issue. not a character one or a superior choice. most of the people i respect most aren't boarding the organic train with us. and i'm okay with that. for us, some major turns of events brought us to a fork in the road, and we were forced to choose...

...so with a clear conscience, and based on the information we've been given--let's hear it for a new path, and a plate full of bok choy and rainbow chard for dinner!

2011: a pile of rocks

2012-01-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

i wish i could take all the happy memories of my life and carry them around, untouched, in a safe, little bubble. i could remove them from time to time to re-experience them, and i would feel again just how much i knew at those moments that God was really, really good, that life was precious, that there was hope. i find myself furiously snapping photos and trying to create experiences because i'm terrified of forgetting. i try to hang on for dear life to moments as they slip through my fingers. i'm sentimental to a fault, desperately wanting circumstances and people to stay the same, and grieving even minute changes to degrees i'm not proud of.

last night, at 1am, after we waved goodbye to friends from the pale light of our front door and snuggled in underneath our down comforter, i found myself reminiscing and trying to catch my breath. is 2011 really over? did all of it really happen?

first, a day back in the spring, when i was very pregnant and road-weary. Kyle and i got a call with an invitation to return to our alma mater to lead the campus ministry there--the very ministry God had used as one of the most enormous catalysts of our growing up, the one we had met one another in, whose people had surrounded us on our wedding day. an answer to a secret prayer i had begun to pray only in January, now handed to us on a sparkling, silver platter. march, 2011.

then, our first night here, in our very own home. we had de-glossed and primed the baseboards, and the heavy scent of chemicals lingered in the air. we had plans to stay the night at an old friend's house, but we found ourselves unable to tear ourselves away from...home. so impulsively, with eight-week-old Emaline in her tiny bassinet next to our bed, we snuggled in for the night in a house that was all our own. Kyle had chosen it quickly without me ever seeing it, it was a work in progress, and it had its share of imperfections, but it was beautiful, and it was ours! an answer to about fifty prayers that had seemed beyond our greatest hopes. june, 2011.

and the way it felt when we held our tiny, eight-pound Emaline, our very own baby, in our arms for the very first time, all wet and slimy and alive and very, very real, while tears ran down my face and i told her over and over again, "i love you, Emaline! i will always love you!" and he was suddenly a daddy. and i was a mommy. us! and we were never supposed to be. april, 2011.

i could go on. that day in Publix when i tickled Emaline's feet and she laughed for the very first time. the first staff meetings with our very own staff team, where i watched Kyle lead and my heart swelled with joy and delight at his skill and life and gifting. that night when after a series of arguments about how and where shelves and picture frames should go, and i shed not just a few tears, we stood back, breathless, and admired the work of our hands--Emaline's nursery, pale grey, sugar and spice, in all its glory.

2011 did not come without its share of pain. i spent 2011 watching my Mimi who i dearly love really get old. it seemed to happen suddenly all in one year. and it hit me for the first time that my own mother is getting older, too. we waved goodbye to a church in Gainesville full of friends who had rapidly become family in just two, short years. i never imagined that we would be severed so soon from people who had become so dear so fast. we returned to a town full of the greatest memories of our lives, with efforts to lower our expectations that all would be "the same" as it was in our college days. and nothing was the same. my heart has broken again and again. i am still fighting to release the days of everyday, neighborhood, heart friendships and a group of friends who are all best friends. i walked through valleys of long weeks of learning entirely new eating habits that drove me to my knees, sacrifices of sleepless nights that motherhood brought, the indescribable pain of labor that kept me reeling, gripping Kyle white-knuckled, crying out with abandon, hopeless apart from His help.

2011 ended in a slump of depression. but loving intervention swept in, ripping idols from my clenched hands, resulting in tears, tantrums, and finally, exhausted and desperate worship...of Him. He who is enough.

in Joshua 4, God told His people to erect a pile of rocks as a landmark to help them not to forget all He had done. may the year 2011 be as such to me! in years to come, i will remember 2011, and i will think of all God did, and how faithful He was. how faithful He is to us. i know i am forgetful. already, this morning upon waking, the first of 2012, i began to worry. "what if we don't have enough money?" "what if we never have another baby?" "what if i don't have what it takes to be a Nav wife?" "what if i burn the pot roast?" all those lingering questions. but look at 2011. He was good then, amidst the deepest pains and greatest joys i've felt so far. and the joy we felt when we held our girl for the first time on that warm, April day was nothing but a shadow of the Hope we are really waiting for. the best is yet to come!

happy 2012.

five happy-ish winter things

2011-12-06T13:47:00.001-08:00

1. warm wintery food.

last night, i was privileged to sit in our kitchen with the man i love most and eat toasty and crispy french bread and soul-warming african peanut stew.

2. 'tis the season.

we put the garland and a sweet hand-crafted stocking on the mantle. we lit the fire. we toasted with warm cups of homemade apple cider and some sweet friends. we trimmed the chosen, enormous, christmas tree with a winding, thick, red velvet ribbon, twinkling lights, and dozens of globes and ornaments of meaning. it sparkles and beckons in a most satisfying way. emaline and i cannot take our eyes off of it. we joyfully celebrate Christmas time, the incarnation of Jesus whom we worship and love, and the gift of redemption.

3. Emaline is seven months old.

she will crawl at any second. she squeals, blows raspberries, clicks her tongue, and throws temper tantrums. she is mobile, active, animated, and willful. she has the prettiest eyes i have ever seen, laced with long, dark lashes. she is the chubby, pink, blonde-haired baby we always dreamed we would someday have. she is a miracle, and i thank God every day for the way she brightens our home and our lives. we cannot imagine life without her.

4. a strong, romantic husband to go on sleigh rides with.

well, maybe not sleigh rides... but car rides! he builds me warm fires, snuggles with me on the couch while we watch a dozen episodes in a row of "the wonder years" on netflix, and tiptoes with me into the nursery late at night to steal a hushed glance at our little bundle while we hold hands, marvelling astounded at what God has done to bind our hearts together and bless us with the undeserved gifts of one another and this little one.

5. a feeling of "heavy" space, dormancy, and perhaps dying.

i suppose this is at its very heart a "happy" winter thing, but today i probably only believe that because in my deepest soul, i know that winter is a promise of the approach of new life and springtime. while for now, leaves fall off the trees, and the grass turns brown. the sky is heavy, a dull, gray color. Em and i spend more time indoors.

and like the sky outdoors, my heart is gray and heavy. i am not sure why. i haven't swept our wood floors in weeks. it's hard to shake the feeling of lethargy that has crept into my limbs. i'm quicker to cry or feel alone. although i felt i waited all year for christmas, i'm suddenly wondering when it will be time to plant that springtime garden and watch the green peek cautiously through the surface of the ground. will it ever?

it's a part of winter i'm sure i have never felt quite comfortable with. a sense of space, deadness, anticipation. it is a bit heavy for an already heavy heart. i'm not sure what to do with it. most mornings, Em and i eat our hot oatmeal to the hum of christmas music in the background. i clean the house anyway and try to fold warm laundry. but today i poured over a psalm, sat by the fire, and thought. and thought. and thought.

today i don't even feel like i have a pulse. am i going to be okay? do i even care? i feel like this slump is a scary place to be. here i am, with all my deepest wishes and prayers answered, and all i can do is sit. and the days. they pass so, so, so fast between Em's naps and prepping meals and trying to remember to eat them. i don't think i feel a sense of purpose when i am just so, so very tired and busy and my fingers are cold to the bone. i'm begging for the fire to warm the house and for the warmth to return with its flames to my soul.

welcome, november!

2011-10-31T20:03:00.000-07:00

today marks the beginning of November. we welcomed it this evening with celebration, tuning our ears to the gentle hum of Christmas songs crooned by Nat, Ella, and Frank. husband threw that first log on the fireplace, and we basked in its warmth with some dear friends. Emaline stayed up late and watched, mesmerized, along with the rest of us. warm, chocolaty treats, thick and creamy coffee, and a bit of sparkly riesling chimed in and added some magic to the evening. my hearth and heart are already in the throws of anticipating Christmas, and i'm thanking the Lord tonight for the blessings of my little family and our dear friends. now it's off to snuggling and watching some tv with my bestest!

a scorching east wind and a dying vine

2011-09-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

i love food. i always have. even since babyhood (says mom), i have been a ferocious and voracious eater.

i wake up in the morning excited about breakfast, and i love to end my days snuggling up to Kyle with a heaping, delicious bowl of ice cream. third-trimester pregnancy and the first month of my newborn baby's life, complete with long nights of wakefulness, simply served as magnificent excuses for more fresco melts and smooth, vanilla milkshakes from the nearby steak and shake.

as i reflect on my long-since-passed high school days, when i was growing like a weed in my walk with God but in dire need of learning how to own my sin (still needing improvement in this one)--i felt stuck in a pit of insecurity, and food tied with bff Lauren Johnson as best friend in high school.

i rejoiced the day i learned from a precious Nav friend how to coupon and shop the deals at publix. that fell on the timeline during a rougher, darker season of my life, riddled with loneliness, new fears, and uncertainties, so large amounts of inexpensive food provided an unexpected means of temporary comfort.

food is a blessing. I Timothy 6:17 talks about God richly providing us with things for our enjoyment.

but am I still thankful for the giver when He removes the gift?

"You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight." Jonah 4:10

okay. i'm barely into this post, and i'm already being dramatic. i'm not starving. but my precious emaline has been diagnosed with a milk and soy protein intolerance. since she is exclusively breastfed, this means that we either start her on a special formula that is far out of our budget, or else i keep nursing. so i have to drastically alter my diet. no more dairy, nothing including any soy (there goes half my food intake. did you know soy products are literally in almost everything, chewing gum included?), no red meat, and easy on the nuts.

day 1 of new diet:
i can do this. we will find a way to make it work

day 2:
reality starts to kick in. i'm like ray charles going through withdrawals in the movie "ray." i'm grumpy because there are six flavors of BOGO breyers in my freezer, and i am not allowed to touch them.

day 3:
huge pity party. woe is me. nobody in the world has it this hard. nobody understands. kyle, how dare you put milk on your cereal. don't you see that some of us are suffering here?

day 4:
pity parties aren't much fun when breyer's icecream and twix bars are off limits.

day 5, 6, 7, 8:
depression

after this, in the grieving process, i think somewhere down the line you are supposed to reach the "acceptance" phase, so i think i did. i bought rice milk. i ordered a milk and soy protein free mommy cookbook and resigned myself to a lifetime of boring food. i diligently clipped what coups i could and chopped endless veggies. i cooked, and cooked, and cooked.

but yesterday i got a phone call, and all of a sudden the sun came out. birds started singing, and i realized i wasn't craving breyer's anymore. betsy didn't whine with me over the phone about "how hard that must be." her kind voice assured me that this would someday be something i would thank Him for as one of the greatest blessings of my life.

did you know that you can eat soy, dairy, and even gluten and sugar free without ordering diet cookbooks and reading diet food blogs? all you have to do is look around the world. our culture stands alone in its allegiance to a dairy-based diet. they really don't eat much string cheese or velveeta in the middle east. :)

i didn't mention this earlier, but somewhere around college or maybe soon after, my great enchantment with food eventually gave birth to a zealous fervor for cooking. i was smitten. the chopping of fresh herbs, vibrant and alive. the intoxication of sauteeing garlic and onions as you make fresh spaghetti sauce. the exhilarating freshness of tabouleh in summer and the glowing warmth of african stew in winter. and now this precious friend across the phone wire was inviting me to come over and learn from her to achieve the flavors of the middle east, latin america, greece, thailand...

thanking Him today for a better vine.

phở - a delicious, vietnamese noodle soup that you can whip up in your own kitchen without any dairy or gluten

thoughts on guilt

2011-08-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

guilty feelings can be a trap. sure, guilt is a real and valid result of sin. i AM guilty. it shouldn't be such a shocker.

but lately, now that i'm a new mommy, i've been plagued by guilty feelings more than ever.

i feel guilty when our busy, campus-ministry-filled lives throw off E's schedule, when i get too caught up in unpacking boxes to let the joy of motherhood wash over me like a wave, when i'm just too tired to even work with her on taking a bottle.... yesterday i told Kyle that sometimes i wish i could just rewind four months and start over. but what makes me think i wouldn't create the same patterns again?

here's the problem with letting these guilty feelings overtake me. they make me unhappy with the beautiful, new home God has given us. they make me frustrated with a campus ministry full of delightful students and a to-die-for staff team. they make me annoyed at cooking delicious recipes out of my gorgeous, new, Pioneer Woman cookbook. they make me feel jealous and sad when i read a friend's latest interesting tweet or blog post. they make me uncomfortable with a sweet four-month old for acting like, exactly that, a four-month old. they suck all the of the joy right out of motherhood, out of life! they are LIFE-stealers. eventually i'm bound to succumb to a pity party. (not always so bad if it involves some delicious Breyer's icecream, but where does it really get me?) if that's the fruit of guilt, let me be rid of it!

so here's to a new day! His mercies are new again for me. His grace is just as sufficient as it was yesterday--sufficient enough to cover today's and all the previous day's failures. and tomorrow's, too. so i can breathe a sigh of relief and thank Him that, although I am certainly guilty, He bore that weight for me. completely absorbed it. oh, to really trust in that!

so, by His grace, i will admire and imitate the noble women around me whose babies take two solid, 2 1/2 hour naps each day, the friends with interior-design blog-worthy houses, and the ones who have the strength of will to let the cleanliness go (sometimes even harder than keeping that house clean!), and the ones who write in their blogs more than once per month! i will thank Him for the strengths He has given me, even when they don't seem to balance out my many weaknesses.

and i will thank Him for all these precious minutes i get to spend with a milk-drunk baby who doesn't take a bottle, prefers hour-long naps (at least this week!), and loves to take her time.

2011-07-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

I love this fuzzy little baby bottom!

Emaline is three-months-old today, and therefore no longer a newborn. So I'm no longer "postpartum." Time to start blogging again...

newborn bliss

2011-05-11T09:02:00.001-07:00

a sweet, reverent hush has fallen over our little townhouse. all that breaks it are the whispers of an overjoyed daddy and mommy, and the little coo's, grunts, and squeals of a newborn baby.

we have never been so happy in all our lives.

i love this newborn phase. i love the sweet smell of e's hair. i love kissing her sweet, chubby cheeks and flawless lips. i love bath time and her coos and smiles. i love seeing my beloved husband's face in her face, his eyes in her eyes--all for the first time. i love the way she cuddles up to us when we hold her. i love her helplessness and total vulnerability. she is absolutely scrumptious.

we keep waiting for things to get really hard. to get "tired" of it. to fall apart because of sleep deprivation. maybe all that will happen next week, but we have a feeling that our thankful hearts will still rejoice. kyle and i have fallen in love with baby EG, and we have fallen in love with one another all over again. there will be storms ahead--of this we are sure. teething, sicknesses, homeschooling woes, and first dates. our hearts will break in ways we never thought possible, new anxieties will grip our souls. and we will find ourselves clinging to the vine for our dear lives. by the grace of God, we are thrilled to welcome the unknown.

welcome, baby E!

update.

2011-04-09T20:22:00.001-07:00

the last month has been chalk-full of changes for the Kozloski family of three. our little townhouse contains a marked air of anticipation as we wash baby laundry, attend the last of our five precious baby showers, and show up to our final childbirth classes to prepare for the arrival of our little baby girl.

but that's not the only event bringing making me giddy with anticipation. (although it's obviously the primary one!)

we are moving back to Tallahassee! my dear and amazing man of a husband is going to be the Nav campus director at FSU. i am overwhelmed with joy, and i know that he will be a spectacular fit to lead the campus, train staff, and serve students. i am honored to go with him--and to take along our sweet little girl.

and then there is that 1500-square-foot, little haven of matchless beauty we made an offer on the other day.

it's hard to imagine that anything could match the joy of living in our dear, tiny, red-doored, large-windowed townhouse with my precious husband. but this bungalow with a sweet baby to snuggle beside the brick fireplace might become a close second (maybe?).

in the meantime, we wait. we pack bags. we prepare. i do my stretches and take my walks. we are reminded that life is about waiting. and tonight i am thankful for the space waiting creates when my heart (and my slow, waddling body) need the time to catch up.

husband-coached childbirth

2011-03-08T16:31:00.001-08:00

uh oh. so i guess i'm officially and already becoming one of "those" people--the "fanatic" kind that rave (obnoxiously) about natural childbirth. while probably 90% ish of my friends are using common sense and begging for the epidural--and with reason--(i might end up with one myself), Kyle and i spend our friday evenings having "labor rehearsals," "tailor sitting" (indian style) on the floor of my bradley teacher's house with other couples, learning about how eggs are the "golden nugget of nutrition," and kegeling (look it up if you don't already know!). and the crazy part is, this is the most fun i've even had since we've been pregnant! i finally have the motivation to eat well and exercise. and this method doesn't condemn me for my pregnancy weight gain--what a relief!

i can't rave enough about how much i love the bradley method already.

kyle and i heard about the bradley method of natural, husband-coached childbirth one week after we got married in may of 2008. some friends were getting ready to deliver--naturally--their first baby and couldn't speak highly enough of the method. we decided then and there, with one seasoned week of marriage under our belts, that we were interested and wanted to pursue bradley childbirth training when our day came. and now our day has come, and we are hooked. :)

and while obviously we can't predict what labor and delivery will be like for us--emaline/abigail (the two names in the running--daddy gets to choose) might not want to turn upside-down like she's supposed to, i might not dilate, i might go insane when the intensity of the pain hits, who knows--kyle and i are doing everything we can to prepare for childbirth the natural way. at the least, i hope to experience sweet fellowship with Jesus and Kyle as i suffer the pain of labor.

what does Kyle think of it? well, in the bradley method, we are taught to view labor as an olympic event requiring training, and thus, i need a coach. and bradley emphasizes the husband as the coach, telling men to "finish what they started." haha. and have you ever met anybody more commanding than kyle? obviously, he is going to be "coaching" me anyway. he can't help it. so the bradley method just invites him to fulfill the role he already naturally can't help but fulfill. he gets to tell me to eat my protein, take my walks, do my exercises, and read my books. he is also the one who gets to fend off any negativity and control the environment in the delivery room when baby girl is born. he is the one to relax me and coach me through the longest hours (leading to the happiest ones) of our life together so far. he couldn't be happier. and there is nobody in the world who puts me more at ease than that wonderful man.

but don't take my word for it! try reading Husband-Coached Childbirth (Fifth Edition): The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth by Dr. Robert Bradley himself.

next week: some thoughts on la leche league. i have a feeling i will rave a bit less about this school of thought. i'm going into these meetings with a critical ear, but also hoping to sift for the gold and find some helpful hints that will work for our family.

sugar and spice...

2011-01-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i get to have my own little cuddly, pink-skinned, beautiful baby girl. i think i am the luckiest mommy in the whole world!

just for kicks

2010-12-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

it looks like we have a wiggle worm on our hands.

baby K is kicking, rolling, and rocking up a storm.

i am only twenty-one weeks along, and my pregnancy ticker app on our ipod says that we won't be able to feel baby from the outside until four weeks from now. however, whattoexpect.com didn't account for the extra activity that would come from a little kyle...or a little nicki. this kid will kick, wiggle, and flip until mommy feels exhausted and uncomfortable. little sweet pea will throw his/her self against the front of me, pressing its little back and bottom against my stomach so that the right side of my belly protrudes--and i feel like i'm having contractions. little feet get stuck in uncomfortable places. a future gymnast? a football player (heaven forbid)? a dancer? we shall see... all i know is that baby likes to party hard between the hours or 12-1 a.m. that makes for some late nights for mommy. baby also likes to flip and wiggle after i eat or drink something sugary. like the glass of grape juice i drank fifteen minutes ago. :)

i am out of my mind in love with this kid. and with the daddy.

t minus two days until our big ultrasound, when (Lord willing), baby will show us its true colors.

what do you think? boy or girl?

there's no place like home.

2010-12-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

we spent a delightful week in colorado with precious friends. we sailed the oceans to the beautiful bahamas.

but, for tonight, it's just great to be home.

guess what we got!? and it's not a puppy...

2010-11-29T20:18:00.001-08:00

a christmas tree!!!

finally.

i promise i will post a picture when our new camera arrives.

last night was an adventure. first of all, all in one night, i outgrew my favorite jeans. don't get me wrong, i am beyond thrilled to be pregnant, but i didn't realize how sad i would be about mourning the lost of my soft, fading, beautiful best friend jeans. they made me feel skinny, no matter what i ate or drank. so what does it mean now that they don't fit?

second of all, we made and ate leftover turkey pot pie. i felt that i had died and gone to heaven, it was so good. i wanted to drink the filling. it was a huge pie, and Kyle and i ate half of it--just the two of us...three of us, that is. i am eating for two, after all. and that is not why i outgrew my jeans. :) then we made and drank dulce de leche lattes with loads of whipped cream. again, not the reason why i can no longer squeeze into my favorite jeans.

after that, we hoisted our full stomachs off the couch, and went to buy our tree! i felt that i had been waiting forever. every day for the past month, i have asked dear husband to buy me one, but the great man of self control that he is, daily has told me to wait until after thanksgiving. finally, we made it! we went to our favorite tree lot, according to tradition bargained on the price, and according to tradition made out like bandits, driving home singing jingle bells with our perfect, bushy, delicious tree tied to the top of our old, beat up Sentra.

we put the tree up, strung the lights together, and according to tradition, turned on a christmas episode of The Office. who could resist? we decorated the tree, only taking breaks to forget we were on task, slouching on the couch to laugh at Michael Scott, and getting snacks and drinks from time to time.

it was a blessed night. i tiptoed out of bed after we had been sleeping for a while just to sneak down the stairs and take one last longing look at our brilliant tree and inhale its intoxicating scent.

and today i bought a new pair of jeans, with a huge, stretchy belly panel. and as of today, i would officially say i am "showing," where in my opinion, i wasn't showing even two days ago. that's what thanksgiving weekend will do to a girl.

Merry Christmas!

ten things

2010-11-26T12:09:00.001-08:00

1. i love my husband, the heartthrob, the strong, steady Kyle, the one who moans with delight and closes his eyes when he eats the food i cook, the daddy of my sweet, growing baby, and the one i get to kiss every day. i cannot believe how lucky i am to live in the same house as him, cuddle with him and put my cold feet on his warm ones at night, and shave the back of his neck before family pictures.

2. yesterday was thanksgiving day, the official beginning of the holidays, although they began at our little house a few weeks ago. i adore the holidays. i adore holiday food and cooking holiday food. i adore hubby's amazing family and feel above privileged and honored to have married into such a heritage. i love my family and start crying when i think about how thankful i am for them. i love holidays because we spend time around the people we love most, and nothing matches the warmth and delight of Christmas and the celebration of our Savior's coming into this world to redeem us. i want to celebrate with all my heart.

3. thanksgiving this year has come with its share of grief. there are some very heavy events going on in my family--some deaths, and some things that i grieve and ache over more than death. the big, boisterous, family thanksgiving that my family is known for felt a bit more quiet and somber last night than normal. i burst into tears in the buffet line of Papa and Mimi's kitchen when i hugged my grandma upon arriving. the tears wouldn't turn off all night. a bit frustrating to feel so out of control, but i consider it the greatest blessing that our merciful God gave us each other to grieve with. we could not do it alone.

4. even though we were a bit more morose than usual last night, the cousins, uncles, and Papa still went into the woods, built a larger-than-life bonfire, and propane tanks with their shotguns. the neighbors called (as usual) to complain, and the boys kept right on burning, and shooting. i would have faked being a neighbor and called if the neighbors hadn't. the windows of the house were rattling although the explosions were acres away. thankfully, i think everybody survived. when i write this, i fear that my family will be misunderstood. you might think they are a bunch of lower class rednecks. actually they are very intelligent and admirable men. they just have poor judgment around fire...and explosives.

5. my sweet friend Christine came along with us. she was kind to and loving to my family. i have never felt so close to her. i am thankful for friends who love my family.

6. we have been having renovations done in our living room, and with every passing day that they are not finished, my heart pounds a bit faster with fear that we will have to delay Christmas decoration. but today, the renovations were finished, a blessing i did not deserve. the annual Kozloski REAL christmas tree will be arrive sometime in the next 5-48 hours. i feel overcome with relief and delight.

7. i love being pregnant. i am feeling the flutters of joy that come with the kicks and wiggles of an 18-week old baby living in my belly. i am starting to show. people are giving me maternity clothes and are SO kind and thoughtful of me. Kyle and i kept thanking the LORD over and again yesterday, filled with thankfulness on thanksgiving day at the miracle of our child. we love this baby so much that it hurts. we cannot imagine how this love will grow through the years. we love understanding the love of God in a new way as He grows in me our own child, our own flesh and blood.

8. our "babymoon" is fast approaching--Kyle and i are going on a CRUISE to the Bahamas. i am so excited that sometimes i cannot sleep at night for thinking about the food i will eat, and the time i will get to spend with my very best friend and person i enjoy most in the entire world, my Kyle.

9. my frugal and money-wise Kyle bought me a camera yesterday! ours was stolen while we were abroad in China this summer, a tragedy it took me days to get over. i can finally start taking belly pictures and pictures of other great things like Christmas trees in our living room. and then i think i will blog more often. for now, i feel a bit guilty even writing because i never post pics anymore, and i feel sorry for people who read and need a visual aid (as i often do). so i think this will improve our quality of life. :)

10. today, Kyle and i have done nothing. i adore sitting around the house with him and doing nothing. i think it is my hobby. you might think that sounds boring if you don't know Kyle and i, but he is just so much fun. he makes me laugh every two minutes or so with his outbursts of witty randomness. and he makes me food when i am fatigued. the house is messy, and the mess can wait. i have too much fun just being with him.

happy holidays and a merry Christmas season to you all!!

once upon a time i was falling in love, but now i'm only falling apart...

2010-10-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

i used to be relatively put-together.

sure, i have always been an emotional type. i am a bit weepy and prone to worry about other peoples' feelings. i never check my phone messages and don't respond very quickly to emails. i don't fold laundry often. (because it smells so nice, sitting in that basket on top of our bureau. right, Kyle?)

but, for the most part, i was doing alright. i was memorizing Bible verses--ok, at least i was reviewing old ones. i was brushing my hair most mornings, eating my breakfast, drinking my 8 glasses of water per day, sticking relatively well to our budget, showering, and occasionally sweeping the kitchen floor. i was taking my Shaklee, non-synthetic, eco-friendly vitamins (sometimes). i was even cooking a balanced meal several times a week. i remember a long-since-past time when i used to post pics of pretty food i cooked on this very blog. gone are the days...

now:

1) i don't clean my house anymore, or cook, or grocery shop. i don't eat well-balanced, healthy meals. i don't take my prenatal vitamin. i forcefully choke down a diet consisting primary of grits, cream of wheat, and oranges. and then i gag.

2) i don't have "quiet times" anymore. i can rarely focus on words on a page. instead, i recite scripture to myself while i lie awake in bed in the wee, small hours of the morning--because i had to get up and, well, go to the loo again at 5AM and i can't go back to sleep. and i cry out for mercy between dry heaves. and i plead prayers of repentance after i irrationally lash out at Kyle about something extremely petty. like the night i locked him out of our bedroom because...i dont' remember...i think he had bad breath? i feel very remorseful about it now.

3) i have a huge, ugly bruise on the inside of my right elbow from pre-natal testing. "this is nothing," and then she sticks a huge needle into my arm and withdraws four--not two, nay, not three viles, but FOUR--viles of blood. i got nauseous and ran straight away to the loo to barf immediately afterwards. that was a week ago, and i'm still black and blue.

4) i'm getting old. really old. this year's college freshmen are TEN years younger than me. TEN. that means that i started my freshman year TEN years ago. also, the little children i babysat in middle school in high school are getting married and having babies.

5) my self control over my emotions has sunk to new, pitiful lows. i am too weak, too helpless, and too completely humbled and low--not to mention too hormonal--to pretend to not be crying when the lady sitting next to me in the doctor's office tells me she is excited to be pregnant with her third baby. i can't hold it together anymore when a dear friend tells me she is having a hard time. i sink into the depths of despair when Kyle looks weary or overwhelmed from working his 50-something hour a week job PLUS keeping house PLUS making me eleven meals each day. my eyes are an ever-flowing fountain. usually either wet, or red and puffy.

6) i know i shouldn't worry, but i worry. i worry when i have "round ligament pain" (normal, second-trimester preggo cramps) that my baby is in distress. i worry that i will never enjoy food again. i worry that Kyle isn't getting enough protein because nobody cooks him food. i worry that my sweet, precious nav-girls will all stop reading the Bible and end up pregnant out of wedlock because i wasn't around to invest in them. lies, all lies. as if i ever had that much control anyway.

so, like the title of this post, "now i'm only falling apart." which leads me to today's thought. today i'm thankful that grace isn't based on our performance. i don't say this with a licentious attitude at all, just a nauseous one. one of desperation. the sigh of relief from a girl who can't hold her life together for one minute, but is thankful that Somebody already performed for me. that Somebody stewarded His body perfectly. that this Somebody never worried, but perfectly trusted His Father. that this Somebody had flawless self-control. and it astounds me again today that He credited all this to me. i did nothing to deserve it. i just responded to His grace that gave me the faith to trust Him--again, today. i trust Him.

tgif

2010-10-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

this post is not about the restaurant. or the line-up of tv shows my brothers and i watched on friday nights when i was eleven, including sabrina the teenage witch and boy meets world. (by the way, did you know that kyle and i graduated high school the same year as cory and topanga?? class of 2000 baby! i still love that show.)

but i do love fridays.

today especially. it's BEAUTIFUL outside, and kyle took me to pizza hut lunch buffet, which i had been craving since about 10 AM. i feel good today.

but mostly i love fridays because every friday night, almost without fail, i get to hang out with the three greatest gals in gainesville. God has been so gracious to provide us with dear couple-friends here in our new, post-tallahassee life. i must admit that one year and three months ago, while in mourning, i didn't think i could make friends anymore, and i thought kyle and i were doomed to loneliness. we had just left tallahassee, where we had lived for nine years--four years of college, and five post-college. we left favorite restaurants, a free three-bedroom apartment, and dozens of best friends. it was painful. and although kyle and i could stay in one, confined area, just the two of us, for probably several years without getting tired of each other (just a hunch, we haven't actually tried it), we both see the value and deep need for a community of people around us. but just because we saw the need, that didn't mean it would necessarily be easy to make new friends.

but here we are, one year later, and somehow we did--right here in little Gainesville, Florida. we are surrounded by precious couples who are growing in Godliness, sharing their lives, training their children to grow in the Gospel, and wrestling through their problems. yes, our friends have problems, just like us. isn't that great?

so a shout out to Miranda, Nikki, and Allison. i don't know what i would do without you girls. and to tonight...because it's our couples night, and we are excited to have other couple-friends besides the four of us over to hang out with us, too.

did i mention that i feel good today? can you tell?

waiting.

2010-10-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

we are the outcasts. the weak ones. the ones who are part of a club that is spoken of in hushed whispers. the ones who have wept, and longed, and ached. our fists have been pried open, our most precious dreams released into nothingness.

we have cried in our beds at night with no comfort except the promise that eventually sleep will come—and with it, lack of consciousness.

we have ached with all the pain our souls could muster.

we have held each other in the lonely nights.

we have blushed at the shame of the questions that we don’t know how to answer. We have no answers.

we have longed for the romance of poverty, a messy home, and cries that rob us of sleep.

because our houses are swept, our rugs are straightened, and our fans are dusted. and there is silent emptiness.

we have longed for husbands we could not procure, ached for babies we could not conceive, dreamed of adoptions that have failed, wept for pain that would not go away, screamed for the resurrection of dreams that have died, searched for windows while doors slammed shut, held our ears as doctors have announced heart-wrenching diagnoses... this is us. the aliens and strangers here.

from time to time, the sun beams down and i’ll admit i feel like i am on the other side of a dark, sleepless night that finally dawned in a morning. but i know i am not. at least, not yet.

like today. i’m carrying in my womb an undeserved blessing. the odds were less than impossible, and yet baby grows on.

and yet, i know it’s not over. not until I reach the other side. not until I see His face, face to face. not until I have touched Him. until then…there is groaning. you can’t feel it once and really forget it, because we know that while it lifts for sweet moments of relief, we are not home yet. we who have felt the unfamiliar ache of being aliens, we don’t forget. we know we don’t belong. and time after time, life will remind us of that. we look for a city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.

so while we look,

let us LONG for that which satisfies

let us pray with all fervor our souls can muster

let us weep with longing to see His sweet face

let us remember that while here there is not a floor, but underneath are the everlasting arms

let us sing our Song in the Night.

and let us trust that HE is enough

fellow sojourners, let us hold hands and know that this, too, will be eclipsed by a weight of glory that “far outweighs them all.”

a tribute to Kyle

2010-10-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

because i have spent the last seven-odd weeks overcome with morning sickness. and because all i do is lie on the couch watching netflix and begging my hard-working husband to bring me various assortments of difficult-to-procure foods. and because after he does the work of procuring them, and i eat them...he is the one who gets to hold my hair and pet my back while i throw them up. and because he then hands me a kleenex because barfing is inevitably followed by weeping. and because he does all this with as much gentleness and patience as it would take to bake home-made, fluffy, angel food cake (which, by the way, sounds nice right now). because of all this, i think Kyle deserves a tribute from me today.

so hats off to kyle.

as our dear, Chinese-government-official friend, David, said: "Karl [Kyle], you are model husband. Nicki is locky to have chosen you."

indeed, i am locky to have chosen him.

i get jealous of myself just thinking about it.

here's to a man who...

(1.) fishes for sharks in the ocean and catches creatures bigger than i am (2.) shares about and repents of his sin (3.) seeks accountability with other men (4.) is an FSU fan, for better or for worse (5.) encourages me to keep playing piano (6.) sings shamelessly every day in the shower (7.) tells me i'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, and means it...even when i'm sick and fat and pregnant (8.) tells me, "it's gonna be okay." (9.) sweats like a beast (10.) romances me (11.) has awe-inspiring biceps and triceps (12.) ...and a hairy chest (13.) corrects me Biblically and in love (14.) loves his wife and BABY with great joy! (15.) dances with me to Doris Day in our tiny, townhouse living room (16.) is unendingly patient (17.) trusts in and preaches the Gospel (18.) pursues Jesus (19.) walks in humility--even when the Gators lose and the Noles win (20.) is a family man (21.) kills icky roaches and spiders that make me scream...and tells me it's ok (22.) looks for opportunities to share the Gospel (23.) has a heart that breaks for the lost to know Christ (24.) does the hard things (25.) is a faithful friend to other men (26.) can do a million push-ups (27.) has GREAT lips (28.) ...with which to kiss our baby (29.) fixes our cars...and toilets...and appliances...and everything that i break (30.) saves lots of money and teaches me to do the same (31.) sticks to our budget--and resists the latest gadgets even when others don't (32.) ...yet wants to buy me every pretty thing i want (33.) loves and takes a personal, ongoing interest in the lives of our neighbors (34.) likes to travel and have fun (35.) enjoys foreign food (36.) is faithful to me (37.) plays with other peoples' kids (38.) makes me laugh (39.) is a GREAT kisser (40.) lets me be a sucker for holidays and seasons--and buys me a real christmas tree every year (41.) sings to me when i am crying (42.) thinks i'm cute when i'm mad (43.) is a master of his awesome gas grill, and uses it faithfully every time i don't feel like cooking. mmmm, his medium rare steaks melt in my mouth! (44.) sings the praises of the mediocre food i cook (45.) asks how much i saved at the store every time i coupon, just so he can kiss and applaud me (46.) is my most faithful reader of my blog and tells me constantly i'm the best writer he knows (47.) is a great athlete (48.) cares about, prays for, and talks to my dad, mom, brothers, sister, cousins, grandparents, etc. (49.) turned down job-promotions and gave up his former-great-success as an accountant to minister full-time to college students, even though he makes way less money this way and has to fund-raise (50.) keeps a shotgun, a handgun, and a baseball bat next to the bed so he can protect me.

now, if that's not a real man...i don't know what is.

kyle, you are hands-down the greatest man in the world. thank you for buying me publix subs and olive garden soup. thank you for giving me a baby. and for marrying me so i wouldn't have to live in 210 westridge all by myself for the rest of my life. because that's probably what i would have chosen to do if you hadn't snatched me up. i admire you and respect you deeply. and i love you with all my heart.

so emo. or, umm, moodswings.

2010-10-07T17:09:00.000-07:00

the other night, my sweet, steady husband, the rock of our house that calms the troubled waters of my ever-flowing and ever-growing bank of tears, left the house to watch a football game with some friends.

and i was left to the solitude of our house and my very high, very pregnant levels of progesterone.

bad combination.

i was nauseous, so i confined myself to my couch, vowed not to open the door of our fridge, and started writing frantically in my journal. harmless.

then i started looking at old pictures of friends on my computer. me, lauren, and jessi at st. george island in 2003, a bunch of the best friends sitting on my bed at 210 westridge, liz/lindy/me camping outside under the stars during an ancient nav rafting trip, a sophomore year fsu football game...

it started. the tears, and the reminiscing.

someone with more self control, or someone whose husband was home, might have stopped here and flipped on the tv. or at least found a snack.

i, however, went to grooveshark.com and started finding country songs about couples having new babies.

"all of a sudden, now it seems so clear to me, how we went from something's missing to a family..." brad paisley was crooning over the poor speaker system of my antiquated dell laptop. and i had snot all over my face.

so then i started emailing best friends. (please, see this as my formal apology--to anybody who bore the misfortune of receiving an email from me that night.)

that was the other night. just one example of the mood swings that have abounded in our sweet, little townhouse over the past weeks.

my poor husband. i can't even imagine living with me. one minute i'm indignantly cursing human injustice on the tv, and then i'm begging for kleenex as mascara runs down my face due to a publix commercial. (i must have felt good that day, because at least i had the decency to apply mascara.) and then i'm hurt because kyle didn't turn a cartwheel when i asked him to slice me up yet another grapefruit. so what if it's my third in the past 20 minutes? how could he be anything but ecstatic? considering human life is being formed inside my womb, a unique blend of the two of us, comprised of the product of our love? and yet he is not leaping up, smiling, to do my bidding?!! outrageous! (kyle, please make sure it's a juicy one, and please cut neatly between the individual sections so they come out easily with a spoon? oh, and can you hand me a napkin?)

and though the anger and irritation moods are usually followed by bouts of condemnation and self-guilt, and several minutes of wallowing...tonight i feel thankful. overwhelmedly so. thankful to serve a God who would give me the progesterone my body needs to fearfully and wonderfully knit together a human life, thankful for a loving, steady man who almost always does serve me with a smile (though usually not cartwheels), and thankful for a God who knows that I am but dust, and loves me unconditionally and continues to deal with my sin despite my hormones.

so here i sit again, alone tonight, husbandless due to my nausea preventing me from attending yet another nav night. but i'm writing in my blog instead of my journal for starters. and maybe now i'll play piano instead of listening to sappy country songs.

:)

i love my family.

2010-07-31T20:24:00.000-07:00

it's officially that time of year again...st. george island 2010 is here!

every summer, my huge, loud, and delightfully southern family makes our way from all over florida to the charming st. george island, a picturesque, quiet, pan-handle area beach. my mimi and papa rent a hu-u-u-uge house on the coast, and the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings, parents, 2nd cousins (you name it) gather together for a time of just being together.

we eat a lot, lay out in the sunshine a little, sometimes stick our toes in the water, the guys do a lot of late-night shark fishing, but for the most part, we really just all stick inside the house...just to be together. i feel incredibly privileged to be a part of a family who loves each other so much. and although i proudly flaunt my new last name, and have already developed a fierce sense of loyalty and connection to my Kyle's incredible heritage, i still have "raney family pride" that runs deep. (and it would be hard not to if you remember that "raney" is actually my first name.)

despite all my feelings of excitement, though, my heart skips a few beats (ok so kyle's does too, but his forgets to beat out of sheer anticipation and excitement--very different than my anxiety-attack-driven heart failure), and i start to chew off my fingernails when i think about what awaits my better half in the upcoming days...and nights. i get a little nervous about the late-night shark fishing excursions of the men-folk, now that they include this incredible specimen of a man Kyle, who has become a pretty darn important staple in my life. i'll just have to lay awake and plead with God that out of His profound mercy, Kyle will come home to me each night alive, whether it's midnight or sometime in the wee, small hours (often 5 AM)...and just hope they don't spend too much time at the nearby this place. (shudder)

and now, for a little shout-out. i think what i'm looking forward to the most this week is laying out in the sunshine, or just sitting on the couch, with my dear "best cousin" christy, who has shared so much of my life with me. whether it was fighting over crayons in childhood, jealousy over each other's "new best friends" in middle school, being each other's maids of honor in our weddings, or sharing and praying for one another during some of the darker seasons of our lives over the years, she has known me since she was born-- only three weeks after me. and i thank God for the profound gift she has been to me over the years...and years.

so tonight i feel thankful for the raney family and the 10-bedroom house on st. george island that awaits our arrival tomorrow. and now i need to go pack a swimsuit, a few beach towels, and some spf 90 for my fair-skinned, manly hubby.

some pictures of last year's st. george excursion and the famous raneys (and their "nedelisky" [which is perhaps and even greater name...but more on that later] counterparts)...

st. george 2009...the raney family at the apalachicola "raney house," and we got our name and picture in the paper the next day :) told you we were famous.

my sweet mimi <3

the whole crew

oh and there was this handsome, handsome man...

e-mails from East Asia V

2010-06-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

We are packing our bags right now to leave the town for the big city in just a few hours! We will be taking an overnight train--but not a sleeper. It will feel a little like being in a land-bound airplane. We will probably be very tired tomorrow.

This week, we have had the privilege of continuing to share the good news with our best Asian friends, Aileen and Tom. We said our goodbyes and exchanged gifts. We were excited to leave our friends with "books." They have been wanting to read them over the holiday. Please rap for them as they are interested in knowing the Father. Aileen cries when we share the news with her. She is overwhelmed that our Father could love us so much that He would forgive us. She wants to trust Him and have relationship with Him and asks profound questions. We have encouraged her to rap about this over the next days and read John. We look forward to hearing about what the Father has in store for her in the days ahead.

We will be home in one week and both are craving a big, steak, Chipotle burrito. We miss our friends and family and cannot wait to see each of you! We also miss our fridge and our bed. Last night was our last night squeezing into our single loft bed.

The weather has continued to be nice in this town with the exception of one or two hot days and a rainy one. The big city is looking less promising. We will probably be hiking the great wall in upper-90-degrees weather. Fun! It will prepare us to be home in Florida.

We love you all and will see you soon!

Love,
Kyle and Nicki

emails from East Asia IV

2010-06-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dearest family and friends,

Wow. We are four weeks into our East Asia trip and cannot believe how fast time is flying.

It seems that (of course) we are finally really hitting our stride here in this town, and we will only be here eight more days--then on to the big city! Every day, Kyle and I climb down the ladder from the single-sized loft bed that we share and heat up some water for instant oatmeal. We usually buy instant oatmeal, milk coffee, and fruit from local markets here for breakfast in order to avoid eating rice, noodles, or foreign vegetable dishes that would be served for breakfast in the campus cafeteria--yuck. After breakfast, we spend time reading our "books" and rapping--often for you. Then it's time for language class, which we have both begun to find a bit boring. After class, we head to the "canteen" (cafeteria). We choose from many different options, but only a few that we find at all palatable. Kyle's favorites are the freshly prepared fried rice, fried noodles, and orange chicken. I usually head for some white rice and various kinds of veggies, spicy potatoes being my favorite. Then we almost always top it off with some "bing ji lin" (icecream)! Usually we are out for most of the afternoon and evening, spending time with friends and seeing new parts of the city. We have been taking the city bus more and more as the days get a bit hotter. On Saturday, it was in the mid-90's. Ugh. I guess we are getting prepared to come back to sunny Florida!

Now for the highlight of our trip. Our dear, dear East Asian friends. We have had some overwhelming responses from a couple of our favorite Asian friends over the past week. Please be rapping for Aileen and Tom. Tom is an overly energetic freshman engineering major. He talks in circles and over-explains himself. Adorable. Kyle has had some very significant with Tom about our father over the past week. Tom is very responsive and inquisitive. Aileen is a second-year grad student and a favorite among the girls in our team. We all love her and want to spend as much time with her as we can. She speaks very good English as she is an "English Translation" major. The past week has led to some very deep conversations with her also. I wish I could share with you some of the incredible and insightful questions she has asked and things she has said. Our conversations have led to us sharing the good news with both of these friends, and they are both responsive. We love to lie in our little bed at night and talk about how blessed we feel to be part of these two friends' lives.

Thanks for staying in touch with us. Your emails are a highlight of our weeks here. Please rap for continued energy to finish well the work He has for us here. We miss you all very much and can't wait to see your faces very soon!

Love,
Kyle and Nicki

e-mails from East Asia III

2010-06-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

Dearest family and friends,

Well, it's officially half-way over, and here we are on the cusp of week 4.

Kyle has been playing lots of basketball with freshman friends. He has really enjoyed having some deep conversations with some of these friends, helping them think about some of the major questions in life.

Some of my (Nicki) East Asian freshman friends came with a group of us to some friends' house this week to cook American food! Mmmm, spaghetti never tasted so good! It was fun to have the tables turned for a night as the garlic bread was toasting and my friend Juan Juan said, "The smell is unfamiliar. I don't know if we will be accustomed to this kind of food." They were able to eat it, but how funny to think of spaghetti as being foreign. But I guess that's how they feel when we turn our nose up at the "Cho to-fu" (a kind of tofu, popular in this city, that smells like fermented garbage).

Some of the girls in our group learned the new phrase "Qing wen, neng bu neng bao y bao ni de hai zi?" ("Excuse me, may I or may I not hold your baby?") We use this phrase every chance we get! The East Asian "bao bao's" are adorable, with slits cut into the backs of their pants--a great alternative to diapers! It's so much fun to hold a chubby Asian baby and feel his little fat bottom as you squeeze him! And sometimes when you are lucky, you even get to watch one squat in the road (or sometimes in the supermarket!) and do their business!

Please be rapping for us and our group. Week 4 can sometimes be a painful time as homesickness is starting to kick in for some people. Kyle and I are also a little road-weary, but still feel that Father has much for us to experience for us before we leave.

We miss you all and look forward to seeing you in about three weeks!

Love,
Kyle and Nicki

e-mails from East Asia II

2010-06-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hello friends and family,

Another week has flown by for us in East Asia. We'll try to share a few highlights before we go to bed.

We feel privileged to have made many friends here in this town, and we are beginning to deepen in these relationships. Some of our dearest (and funniest) relationships are with a couple groups of freshmen we met somewhat randomly during our first week here. We are spending much of our time with these friends. It's fun to observe that the differences that exist between freshmen and upperclassmen in the States are the same differences that you see here in East Asia. The freshmen just seem so young, wide-eyed, and excited. Their English isn't usually nearly as good as the English of our upperclassmen friends, so we find ourselves sometimes talking very slowly and speaking in their broken English after we spend a lot of time with them.

We have become good friends with a Asian government official named David that we have been tutoring for the past couple of weeks. Last week, he invited us to eat dinner in his home! We felt very honored. We got to meet his lovely wife and adorable 12-year-old son, and his father-in-law (who lives with them) cooked us an amazing meal. We ate six kinds of meat, dumplings, various vegetables and fruit, and two kinds of wine. Incredible! After dinner, we stood and stared out the window of their 16th floor high-rise apartment and looked over the huge "Golden Rooster Lake" and all the beautiful buildings and lights of the city. They also let me play their piano! And Andy, David's son, played us some lovely East Asian piano pieces that made tears come to my eyes. It was very touching to be invited to their home and to feel so honored and cared for by a Chinese family. We are starting to care deeply about some of these people, and long to share our lives and the hope we have with them.

On Monday we visited the World Expo. In true East Asian fashion, by 10 AM 200,000 people were already in attendance. And on a Monday! We don't know what the final count was for the day, but the average has been about 500,000 people in attendance daily. And it felt like it. We stood in a line to visit the United Arab Emerates Pavilion for three hours, the entire time being pressed, literally pressed--and with great force--by crowds of Asian people pushing their way in behind us. Add to this picture the many middle-aged Asian women elbowing Kyle and I and our friends, pushing themselves between any spaces in line to try to cut in front of us. We know they were cursing at us in their language when we didn't let them pass, but all we could say is "Wo bu ming bai," ("I don't understand"). :) The expo was exciting. Some of the pavilions were very beautiful, outside and in. Seeing so many nations of the world represented in one place made us think about the Father's heart for many people from all nations.

We have language class Monday through Friday every morning for two hours. The past couple of days, we have been learning to sing the song from the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics, "Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni" ("Welcome to Beijing"). We all sit in class and sing the intricate East Asian melody off-key with most of the lyrics mispronounced, and it makes me want to cry because I love it here so much and know we will miss it terribly.

But...we also cannot wait to see all of you again and hear how you are doing. Thank you so much for all your emails and rapping for us. Please stay in touch with us, too.

Love,
Kyle and Nicki

e-mails from East Asia

2010-05-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hi dear friends and family!

We wanted to email you all and let you know that we have arrived safely! We have been making tons of new friends who follow us around, hold our hands, ask us lots of questions, and show us what to eat. We are having fun being constantly stared at on campus! Everyone wants to talk to us. We start our language class tomorrow and we will be making spending more and more time with students. The food is good and a constant adventure. We try several new foods at every meal. The time change has been an adjustment. We find ourselves waking up in the wee hours of the morning, and are very sleepy in the afternoon.

We miss you all and think of you often. Thanks for thinking of us.

love,
Kyle and Nicki

(almost) sweet summertime

2010-04-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

this weekend, we caught glimpses of the old florida we once knew, before "the long winter" (also the name of a laura ingalls wilder book) took its toll. it was hot! okay, maybe not florida-hot, but still, in the 80's--and we went to the beach!! lovely. so, also in celebration of the promise of summer...a taste of delicious, all-american, summery food. here are a couple kyle (grill master) and i had the honor of making over the past couple weeks.

medium-rare london broil with crumbled blue cheese
creamed spinach
baked potatoes, sauteed mushrooms, and texas toast

gouda cheeseburgers with fennel-onion relish...
and sweet-potato french fries!
(thanks to r.eal s.imple magazine)

i just finished a 10-week beth moore marathon with the ladies of my church. we went through Breaking Free. i feel humbled and thankful. this was the first time i have ever in my life done a women's bible study on a women's topic. i liked the methodical design of the study, the daily structure, and the support of having my daily time with the Lord in some way directly connect with the Godly women God has put in my life here in Gainesville. and most of all, i loved pouring myself into a Bible study entirely unrelated to my job.

there were certainly times i was too busy being critical about the study to let God use it to search and speak to my heart, and definitely other times i let myself be deceived into thinking "i already learned that." i found myself humbled and convicted by the pastors' wives and older women in my church who are far more mature than i am, but let God deeply use the study to work in their hearts bringing brokenness and transformation.

God used the 10 weeks of non-stop beth to search my heart by his Holy Spirit. week 3, early on, discussed the obstacles that block us from knowing and glorifying God, finding satisfaction in Him, experiencing His peace, and enjoying His presence (as are our grace gifts from God as believers). of course, my attitude was, "i already know." so when i read the chapter titles of unbelief, pride, idolatry, prayerlessness, and legalism, i might as well have just studied chapters 2 and 3 because i was convinced that pride and idolatry were my only areas. you can imagine my shock when God mercifully convicted me of unbelief. i am still broken over this, realizing that i have to desperately cling to God in dependence, even for Him to help me trust Him. i'm thankful that Christ performed for me, that His faith and trust in His Father was perfect, and these trying months in gainesville have been part of God's loving answer to my cry "Lord, help me with my unbelief!" i am learning to trust.

another realization happened during week 9, "the steadfast mind." the navs have great teaching on "core lies," so i assumed falsely that this would just be the same thing i had heard many times before. the "core lies" idea, to put it concisely, is teaching about how unmet longings and painful events can affect our beliefs about ourselves, God, and others. often this results in us making fleshly vows and goals--sometimes good ones, but in our flesh apart from His Spirit all the same--and this in turn inevitably affects our behavior and emotions. i had spent time in this topic, praying and uncovering some of my core lies, and although the navs had teaching about replacing them with truth, i found much of this teaching relatively sterile. it just didn't seem to help. i think i just needed someone to explain the same truths in different words. "the steadfast mind" dealt with strongholds within the battlefield of the thoughts. through prayer and study, i began to realize that some significant lies had settled into my mind since i have lived here in gainesville. unbeknownst to me, i had actually begun to think through a lens of lies, rather than a lens of the Gospel. instead of the Gospel being my measuring stick, my emotions and decisions following, my emotions and decisions were being greatly affected by some significant lies. i started to realize how important and valuable this battle is--how greatly worth it. it started with agreeing with God and calling the lies...lies. just recognizing that was all they were. what a relief already! now for the part about putting up the truth: i'm realizing it's a tremendous battle! it's not just about switching out our thoughts, some kind of behavior replacement psychological game. putting up the truth requires an entire change of disposition, a shift in orientation toward the Gospel, toward pleasing the Spirit. whenever a lie-related thought or emotion creeps in, i have to lean into Christ by adopting His mindset on the conflict, not my own. i'm having to frequently ask myself, "how can i look at this through the lens of the Gospel?" i am having to plaster verses on the walls of my mind--as well as in my wallet, bathroom, and kitchen! and i have had so much peace! i am beginning to see the fruits, the effects of righteousness--the quietness and confidence talked about in isaiah 32:17. sure, it's not perfect, and it's certainly not easy. anyone who has ever walked through a very painful life transition knows what i'm talking about. but it is worth fighting for!

i suppose i should say something about piano before i get off for the night...i haven't been practicing piano very much. but last time i played, i had memorized the first two pages of the brahms and could sight read the first two pages of the rachmaninoff. so at least i'm going somewhere. and speaking of going somewhere, kyle and i are going to EAST ASIA for the summer! i am more excited about this than i have been about anything in a long time. and so very thankful. so, i would like to be finished with my two piano pieces by the time we go. it might be stretching based on my past practice habits, but i would like to be able to play a piano there if i get an opportunity. it almost feels like a way i can communicate with people of a foreign language--a heart language we could share.

kyle is ready for bed, so i'm off. maybe we will read a chapter of our book before we snuggle down under the covers...sigh. thanks for reading!

what will consume you?

2010-02-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

just a quick update tonight, for accountability's sake. i read 3 lines of the rach prelude this week, and memorized three lines of the brahms. :) good for me.

i looked up my old "xanga" from highschool today. haha, how embarrassing. no way am i posting that link here, but i wasn't too unimpressed with one or two of the things on there. one of them was this poem. i don't know who wrote it, but i know i still have it memorized.

"Then Hwin, though shaking all over, gave a strange little neigh and trotted across to the lion. "Please," she said, "You're so beautiful. You may eat me if you like. I'd sooner be eaten by you than fed by anyone else. ~C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy

"Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him." Job 13:15

What Will Consume You?

Though the good fight might leave me battered and bruised,
I want it all spent and utterly used.
I think that's the lesson in the steward's talent buried deep,
He thought, "Better to save, to hide, and to keep."
But the master, sore, vexed, cried, "Spend it, you fool!
"It's not yours to start with. It's only a tool!"
No works doctrine here, just a plea for more grace,
To turn from self-preserving and finish the race.
When He calls, may my pockets be empty and my arrows be in flight,
"Here I am! Throw me in! Let me swim toward the light!"
For I want to wash up on that beautiful shore,
Just a few rags and bones and a smile evermore.

piano goals, american film institute's top 100, and spiritual pride

2010-01-28T19:59:00.000-08:00

hi.

i'm not very proud of myself right now. i did a great job starting this blog (go me!), but i'm not doing quite as great keeping up with it. at least i've started with the bar low. maybe it will just go up from here.

piano isn't going that great either. when i have free time, i find that i'm much more interested in reading my book, eating delicious food, cuddling with kyle, and spending time with friends to even find spare moments to practice. but here are some goals/desires i have, and my hope is that publishing these will make piano feel less lonely. i think that's part of the reason i don't practice. i feel alone when i practice.

maybe that's just the sad plight of the pianist. violinists play in orchestras, flautists in bands, vocalists sing at the least with an accompanist. i play solo piano. solo, by its very nature, alone.

so this is my desperate cry for a lifeline. even if you think classical music is the dullest sound in the world, i need feedback on my music so i won't feel alone. so for all you humanitarians out there, listen to the cry of a lonely pianist who is returning to her forsaken art, and comment on my blogposts/facebook about piano when you find it in your merciful hearts to do so. thanks!

my desires:

memorize brahms intermezzo opus 118, no. 2 (take a listen! here's heinrich neuhaus playing it, on youtube)
2-3 lines each week

read rachmaninoff prelude opus 23, number 5 (richter recording on youtube)
read 2-3 lines each week

(that means that by next weekend i want to have memorized the first two or three lines of the brahms and read 2-3 lines of the rachmaninoff)

other stuff:
we have three chapters left in Gone with the Wind. i read it way too late at night last night, and alone. that was a mistake. the end of this book is tragically sad. i feel intimately acquainted with the characters, so their hopeless realizations and heartbreaks are devastating to me. i woke kyle up to hold me in the night because i was sobbing uncontrollably and couldn't calm myself. suddenly the entire world began to feel like a very hopeless place. i wondered why i have to go through life with unmet longings, why people have to lose loved ones and grieve, why i have to feel hopeless emptiness sometimes as i wait to see Jesus in heaven, why scarlett couldn't have come to her senses before it was too late...it was just too much for me. i have taken a break from the book, even though i have read 1402 out of 1448 pages of it. i need kyle to finish it with me, and i got a bit too far ahead last night. not only that, but i really despise finishing books. finishing a book feels like an entire group of dear friends have died, and beginning a new book feels like trying to create bonds with a group of unfamiliar people who you don't even like. we are planning to read dostoevsky's The Idiot next.

another fun thing we've been doing over the past many, many months is making our way down the list of afi's top 100 movies of all time. we have watched awful, worthless movies like the graduate and inspiring, heart-wrenching movies like Schindler's List and...Gone with the Wind. it's surprising how many classics i've never seen. i think The Bridge on the River Kwai and Some Like it Hot are next.

we've been really, really enjoying our church. we drive away every sunday morning, or sunday afternoon, or wednesday night, just overwhelmed with thankfulness. i just don't think i've ever met this many dear, wonderful people all in one place since my freshman year with the navs at fsu. it has been a deeply humbling experience to connect to these people, too. i think because we have been in the navs for so long, sometimes in the nav circles i can feel a smug sense of comfortable pride. ohhh, this is embarrassing to write, but true. i know the nav answers. we have more handouts, more "experience" than we know what to do with. we've been to tons of conferences, workshops, and training atmospheres...i could go on and on. so sometimes i just feel so comfortable in our little nav world that i can be deceived into thinking that i'm okay. (not to say that our training with the navs hasn't been a tremendous blessing--it has!) but we go in our church, and suddenly i feel like there are so many parts to God that i am unfamiliar with. He seems so big, and the gospel so enormous. nothing i could ever fit on a follow up plan, for sure. the people around me seem like spiritual giants, and they know the Word so well. they even discipline their children from the perspective of the gospel. i just feel small, in a really, really good way. it feels good to be small. i think it's more accurate, really. so all this to say, i'm thankful. i feel like we are growing. kyle is being challenged by the men to grow in His leadership and His character. the women around me speak into my life, challenge me, affirm my strengths and giftings, and share their hearts. i started a beth moore "breaking free" bible study, and love getting to relate to the Lord alongside these amazing women. we spend lots of time with dear, new friends, and just can't get enough. i wish everybody could experience a church like this!

sorting through the proverbial post-christmas clutter

2010-01-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

i got my first disposable camera when i was, i suppose, about 10. my family went on a trip to san antonio, tx, and if you were to look back at the pictures, you would think i'd visited texas alone. i had photos of a sunset, some wild animals, and some others we saw at a zoo. while i'm certain it was exhilerating to see a zebra in person when i was 10, those photographs are long since thrown away.

how boring.

the photos i still keep in my old photo boxes are full of memories. one of lauren and me at the beach, my brothers and sister and i at christmas sitting on the hearth by the fire, felice and i by the azalea trees, kyle and i outside sonny's on the day we started dating back in 2006. the significance doesn't really exist in where we were or what we were doing. what matters is the people in the photos, the shared experience.

it's interesting how often i still do this to this day. i forget that the things that really matter in life are...people. relationships.

for christmas we got a plasma tv, new kitchen stuff, money, kyle gave me a piano bench...etc. all these things are such blessings, and i'm enjoying them immensely. but after christmas, the materialistic wave hit. getting all this new stuff, for some twisted reason, made me think about all the other things i wanted.

i am greedy. i do try to control money. but i felt it keenly the other day, the severe absence of life found in trying to accululate things. stuff does make me feel good. it seems to provide a momentary dulling of the painful ache between reality and all the life we really long for. but i've been reminded recently that feeling the "space" is really not so bad.

i don't really want a new shirt, i want joy. i want heaven. i'm NOT home here, and instead of facing that reality, i find myself addicted to the things that make me feel a false sense of comfort as though i am at home here.

it's time to grow up, and stop being the little girl with the camera, only taking pictures of sunsets and animals. it's time to start filling my life with all the things that really matter.

something i have been severely neglecting are using my talents to invest in eternity. i at least used my skill of teaching in the fall, but now I have every intention of lazily neglecting it again. i also have severely neglected piano. i believe God gave me piano as a talent to glorify Him and to worship Him. not just by playing worship music, but by playing all music skillfully and to His glory. “arise, shine…” (isaiah 60:1)

kyle and i have also been talking about how vital it is that we don't grow lazy in pursuing friendships with people. life is about relationships. i want to fulfill the role God has given me in the lives of the friends He has blessed us with. not only that, but i find that when i spend time around these like-hearted friends, i am reminded that the "space" is not so bad, that "stuff" isn't what i really wanted all along.

that's what i've been thinking about.

a few other things...

kyle and i finished harry potter and the goblet of fire via audiobook and are now reading gone with the wind. it is fascinating. we are learning and experiencing the lives of the people in the south during the civil war. the characters are alive. i feel deep emotion when we read the book, anger at scarlett (combined with compassion), an intense love for melanie, irritation at aunt pitty. the other day i almost threw the book across the room when ashley had the audacity to kiss scarlett. good thing i remembered in time that we were with kyle's family, watching the gator game in their living room.

we watched the seminoles play west virginia in jacksonville. it was the coldest i have ever been in my life. i wanted to die during the first and second quarters. but then, the seminoles scored, the sun came out, and lindy and josh called and asked us to switch seats and sit with them. the seminoles won, kyle was glowing. it was a lovely day.

i bought $270 worth of groceries for $39 this week. no joke! granted, i went shopping three times. but that's for sure the best i've ever done, and it doesn't take much work anymore. i just get online the day the blog updates, print out and clip my coupons, print out my list, and bring everything with me when i go to the store. i just organize it as i shop and it's easier that way.

we took a "personal retreat" to ocala and spent 2 nights just praying and reading our bibles in a hotel room. it was freezing out. kyle went and brought back hot waffles and coffee to the room in the mornings. i didn't even have to get out of bed! bliss!

the holidays are over. the students are back. they are precious. i spent time with katie on campus and then with cameron's bible study at leonardo's for a bit. and now i'm home blogging. and about to hit the keys!! i practiced last night, too. stay tuned for some piano-related goals. i need to post them in the next day or two.

that's all for now!

enter 2010...enter new blog

2009-12-31T21:59:00.000-08:00

new year's resolution: start a blog. done.

that was easy. :)

i guess i should start out announcing what this blog is about. primarily, i just want to have a place to express myself. so that means you'll be reading a lot about kyle, our friends, our uf nav kids (heart), and definitely food. also piano. i want to keep a log of my pianistic ambitions and my progress. i suppose that means one of the first things i will have to do is find out what exactly those pianistic ambitions are, since for the past two years (ever since i fell hopelessly in love with kyle), i haven't even really practiced, let alone had ambitions. so i thought maybe the accountability of a blog might help. or at least give me the incentive of looking like an utter failure if i don't make progress.

so here goes...

but for now, welcome 2010! i really think i am the luckiest girl in the world. kyle and i have been married a heavenly year and a half, we live in a darling townhouse in gainesville, we have incredibly close and wonderful friends, we live close to our amazing families, we may even be privileged enough to have a family of our own sometime in the near-ish future (although it makes me tremble to even type that--what a sobering thought!), and we are trusting in a God who truly is good and wise and has a glorious future in store for us that eclipses all the difficulties of our lives here and now.

the christmas tree is by the street, the nativity scenes and wreaths and other decorations are back in the closet under the staircase, and it's time to go to sleep.

i leave you with a few memories from Christmas with kyle and me, 2009...

picking out our stellar christmas tree

our lovely tree in all its christmas-y glory

bestfriend time in downtown ocala!

with dear friends in tallahassee

lil sis jessica in her dress for her solo after her dance performance

kyle and i made pad thai from scratch--it was spicy and delicious!

at my family's in ocala. i love him.